words actually.

Vem, da se to najino karkoli že je izteka. Nikoli ni bilo nič, a vedno je bilo vse. Ne vem, če sva skupaj tonila globlje ali sva se dvigala na površje. Rekla bi, da prej prvo. Mogoče sva mislila, da čutiva ljubezen, pa je bil le pritisk vode in globine, tisto, kar naju je stiskalo skupaj. Oba sva potrebovala močen objem. Zato, da si dokaževa, da še čutiva in da nisva sama v tej globini sveta, ki te tako hitro poriva vedno nižje in ti počasi odvzema še zadnje zaloge kisika. Prepustila sva se, ker se nama je to zdela edina resnična možnost. Kot droga - potrebuješ fiks bližine, čeprav te pogubi. Sedaj pa se mi zdi, da ne čutim več, kako te pritisk globine stiska k meni. Pred časom sem se tako prepustila toku dogajanja, da sem zaprla oči in se skoncentrirala na občutke. Ne vidim več tvojih oči, ki se ujemajo z barvo jeseni in sedaj tudi ne čutim več tvojega objema, ki me drži v nevtralnosti. Čutim, kako me, celico za celico, zaliva hladno voda, ki si jo spustil vmes. Od tebe čutim le š...

I'm back. I've been blogging off and on from december 2007 and this is my second blog. Even if I was inactive for a long time now, blog has always been somewhere in the back of my mind. Now I am back. I was thinking of creating new one for the new era but I just couldn't let go of url and the name. I've hid most of the posts I've written before because I want "this one" to be more short story oriented. I didn't know if I wanted to write in my native language or in english so I've chosen to write in the one which words will be more convenient to capture my thoughts. My grammar sucks in both pretty equally, but I guess this shouldn't stop me from writing. I can improve and sucky grammar can still portray a good story.

Največja izdajalka slovenstva? Največja izdajalka človeštva? Morda obojega, morda ničesar. Brez strahu. Proti politiki sovraštva. 

we all start as a strangers. and then you are not a stranger anymore. and you are not a lover. you are a fantasy. the bits of you that i know. i know nothing. yet. i imagine so much. how you would come to me. how it would feel to touch you. how your lips would feel. how your body would move. how you imagine too. ah. and then the reality. the more i know. the worse you are. the not knowing is better. the switch from the knowing and not knowing. the temptation. and then again. do i want to know? fantasy is exciting. picking clues. waiting for the moment. or for the moments. discussing and putting everything together. it is fun. it is a rush of adrenaline. and as much as i am tempted. i would almost rather stay here and forever wait. playing with two worlds.

It was a particularly shitty day for her.  She was feeling trapped for a while now and she was at the same time doing everything she could to escape the situation and on the other hand almost enjoying this. When you realise you are trapped, this also means there is a way out of it and that also means you can stagnate before opening next door.  Well, she was like a fog that day. Started her day later than she should and slowly, with only a tiny bit of guilt, went to that place which caused all of that. She didn't event tried to put a smile on and pretend its fine, "Nope, not today," she was telling herself. She said hi to people, turned on her computer, carefully putted on her headphones, plugged them in and searched for the playlist that would fit her mood. "Hmmm, let's search for Fuck my life and get me out of here  kind of playlist."  "Ahh, here it is, should we go with Life sucks  or with Move on & don't look back ?"  ...

And you made the first step. You saved me by loving me. And you made the last step. You destroyed me. I gave you my everything. Each part of me loved you to the fullest and is dying out now. It physically hurts. I thought its forever. I was so blinded by the love that I had no idea how we came to this. How you came to this horrible conclusion ... Of letting me go. But you don't. You are still here. So close but so far. I am stuck with uncertainty of you ever loving me again. I should not but I do, I still love you. I know at least small part of you loves me back too. I am blinded. I am stupid of not letting you go. I don't want to, even if this is a torture. You should just go and never turn back. Stop healing my wounds. They bleed out every time I see you anyway. You are not the healer you are the butcher. Just go.