short story // the inner dialogue

It was a particularly shitty day for her. 

She was feeling trapped for a while now and she was at the same time doing everything she could to escape the situation and on the other hand almost enjoying this. When you realise you are trapped, this also means there is a way out of it and that also means you can stagnate before opening next door. 

Well, she was like a fog that day. Started her day later than she should and slowly, with only a tiny bit of guilt, went to that place which caused all of that. She didn't event tried to put a smile on and pretend its fine, "Nope, not today," she was telling herself. She said hi to people, turned on her computer, carefully putted on her headphones, plugged them in and searched for the playlist that would fit her mood.

"Hmmm, let's search for Fuck my life and get me out of here kind of playlist." 

"Ahh, here it is, should we go with Life sucks or with Move on & don't look back?" 

"Second one it is, thank you Spotify, you make my life so much easier." 

She didn't even try to do something productive, just sitting there complaining to online people and make them make a decision instead of her. Ofc, telling each of them a bit different version of it, so they would all tell her the right thing to do. 

"Well shit."

She just made an eye contact with the person she the least wanted to talk to.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."

"Alright, let's do that."

She took time finishing the song from the Move on & don't look back playlist and pressing the pause, taking headphones down and carefully locking her desktop. Because you never know when the next idiot will show up and tried to be funny posting random crap on your facebook. 

She went to have a private conversation about the forecast of her mood. Fog was not really an option anymore. The sun should come out tomorrow ... the latest. 

"Don't give me Annie bullshit now."

"La la la la la ... sure sure sure, you are completely right."

"Move on & don't look back, huh?"

"Hell yes, I trust in Spotifly, this has to be a sign."

True, it looked like she will just blow the fog out and bring back the sun. Though, this wasn't a case this time. She packed her ... nah, she just grabbed her stuff and stepped out the building. 

"Hah! This will be great."

"No no no no no. What have I done?"

"Ekhmm ... where are those doors I had in mind opening?"

"This was the right decision!"

"Who am I and what the hell do I want to do in my life?"

"Ahh ... I am so young, I can do whatever I want."

"Yes yes yes!"

"No no no ..."

She was walking without direction and having very confusing situation in her head. Few hours have passed already and her state of mind was still in the same stage, from the bright smile to the tearfully eyes. 

Then she got a text so random, but so on spot. 

"Alright then."

She went to his place to hang out and chill a bit. Calm herself down. He is the strangest person she has ever met and if this day is not perfect for such a meet up, which day is it? 

Smile on. 

"Well, that's a plan."

"A short term plan but anyways. One step at the time."

She went to the store to get some goodies and then found herself standing in front of his doors. 

"Nothing will happen."

"Nothing will happen, ring that bell girl!"

Her heart was beating a bit faster. She was overwhelmed by that day in general and now she will see him. 

"Why why why ... why are you being so stupid. It is nothing."

She took her phone out of the pocket and called him. I mean, who uses the door bells today? 

"Please answer. Don't leave me waiting too long."

"Yes!"

The doors made that sound and she opened them. 

"Too lazy to come down. That a good sign."

He was there. Leaning on the doors, waiting for her to enter his apartment. A big welcoming hug and there she was. Happy to be there but equally frightened of what more the day will bring. 

"Don't freak out."

He was that kind of guy you have no expectation with. You don't know if you will drink a coffee and watch a movie or go to the rooftop and laugh at the pigeons ... or you know, you have no idea. The guy had experienced it all.

"At least that is what he says."

And she just don't know how to handle somebody that has an argument to everything and just enjoys fucking with people's mind. His favorit hobby would actually be testing and manipulating people for different reasons. Behind every word there is a reason. And there should also be a question. 

She wanted to play it cool. She just wanted to keep her mind off and not making a fuss. Maybe talked it out, make fun of others so she would feel a bit better about herself. Well, she didn't choose the right person to do this with because with him, everything could backfire. Today, tomorrow in a thousand years. 

"Just remember - question everything and be careful what you say."

She was having a good time. His smile made her relaxed and she was happy they met. Also because after this morning she had some material to talk. Talking was never her strength and when she was with people that judge everything, or even worse, with him, she was simply out or words. Nothing seemed to fit his interests. Today she had this and they talked and they laughed and she was enjoying herself.

She really didn't want to leave and she was glad he wasn't showing any interests in her leaving either. 

"Yay. I cannot believe this is working and we are having a good time. This was a good decision."

They went out to get some more food and meet another guy. This was fine by her. I mean, she didn't want to think much so she just decided to go with the flow. The guy made a deal with him and then they two found the nearest bench to enjoy their food. After they finished he suggested to get back inside and watch a movie. 

"Sure. Sure I can do this."

She followed him and they casually held hands on the way there. She was nervous around him. But it was not nervous like you are nervous when you are with your crush, it was just him and everything about him. She was more afraid of him and had a strange respect towards him. She wanted to prove herself she can be friends with people that she have nothing in common with.  

"Why do I like hanging out with him? Tell me brains? Can we move on from the bad boys phase please. I don't need that."

"Ahh, we are just hanging out. Just hanging out."

They were talking and laughing. Well, he was mostly talking and she was glad about that. But she was listening and enjoying the unusual company. Then he suggested to sit down and chill a bit more. She become aware of who the other guy was but she didn't mind this time. 

"Why not do it? Why not? Nothing can happen. It is just your prejudice."

She got a bit paranoid of what will happen.

"It is nothing."

"I don't feel anything strange happening."

"I hope he is not hoping for a show, I am not giving up my control."

"Haha. I feel it coming. Shit."

"Keep it together."

"This is hilarious."

"This was great idea"

They were siting on a bed. Deciding which movie to watch and getting lost in their heads. Time was going fast. No, time was going slow. Wait. 

"What is happening with the time?"

They waited for the movie to start and tried to have a conversation. She was mostly trying not to be stupid.

"Shit. What did he say. Are we still talking about this?"

"Just nod and laugh."

"Yes! It worked."

"What? Gosh, for how long are we talking about this stupid shit?"

"Are we still talking about it?"

"Ha ha ha."

"This is funny."

He played the movie and they slowly fall asleep. She rolled inside the blanket she found, because she started to feel very cold. They were sleeping each on one side of the bed and that made her calm.

"This was fun."

She fell asleep again waking up in the morning. He was still sleeping and was he was turned in her direction. She was looking at his face and didn't want to wake him up. 

"What to do?"

"I will just close my eyes and sleep a bit more."

She heard him waking up and she pretended she just woke up as well. They smiled at each other to confirm the experience from the last night. Still feeling dizzy she was looking at him, looking at her. She was feeling numb. But in a good way. Like after the storm, clear and fresh, but you could still smell the rain. He moved his hand toward her and stroke her hair. 

"What is happening?"

"Ah, It is nothing. Stop worrying."

She felt good. Strange, but good. He was still petting her and she was letting him. They moved closer to each other, to kill the distance they kept during the night. He was still petting her and she decided to return the favour. 

It was an intence moment that could last forever. The moment of not turning back and not knowing next. Between friendship and a something more than that. The moment when he touched her lips and she trembled. 

"Oh no."

"Here we go."


"Well, this day was totally fucked up."